Sarcasm Videos

If you haven't done so already make sure to check out the first installment of this 2 part series.

Now, where did we leave off. Oh that's right our faithful hero had made it home after a very long night of drinking, and had his manliness insulted.

I awoke early afternoon and RPG had already headed off to work. Luckily enough because of my extensive pre-game preparations before I headed out to Boston, I was indeed not hung-over. Some may say that this is a glorious turn of events, and other that know me really well might say that drinking excess amounts of Jack Daniels and not having a hang-over may actually be a sign of alcoholism.

Jury's still out.

I got a call from RPG roughly around 1 something seeing if I wanted to get some lunch. Of course I hadn't eaten, nor really done anything, so I agreed. He left work a bit early and we rolled to Coolidge Corner Clubhouse. Not going to lie, this was one of my favorite places on the trip to Boston. We enjoyed some jack and cokes in pint glasses, and some delicious huge sandwiches, and then some more Jack and cokes. It was a glorious place. I probably could have stayed there all day and night, but we had things we needed to do.

We headed home and began to do work. And by doing work I mean pouring Jack Daniels into flasks and taking shots before heading to Fenway park. the greatest place on earth. Seriously.

We headed to La Verdad, a bar outside Fenway, to meet up with RPG's roommate. Probably my favorite sub pot/side story of the whole weekend that I wasn't really able to exploit much was that RPG's roommate happens to be moving out near the beginning of September.

I was wondering if any of you remember the theatrical performance Riverdance? You know Michael Flatley who's feet look as if they are moving independently of his body? Well, as it happens if you thought Riverdance was no more, you my friends are 100% wrong. Riverdance is alive and well AND touring the country come this September. How do I know this y

Some people call it The List others call it the Top 5 but whatever name it takes it's the same. It's been featured on Friends and Entourage and those are just two prime examples that I can think of.

Essentially, the list consists of your top 5 celebrities you would have a free pass to sleep with if you were ever in a relationship. (one most also remember the celebrity must want to sleep with you as well. This is where the list works, and most celebrities do not sleep with the common folk.) Sometimes, the list can function as your top 5 hottest people.

To each person the list varies. It's a very personal list, and you not need justify your selections on said list. You may need to defend them, however, justification is not necessary. People find all sorts of people attractive for many different reasons. Some like my friend Meagan has a certain TV funny man on her list, that, while not the most attractive man in the world, strikes a chord with her funny bone that no man has done before. Therefore, he is at the top of her list. Sometimes, people add pillars of the attractive people to their list for it's only the right thing to do. For example Micah, has had Halle Berry as his number one for a number of years. I wonder if I may see the day where she topples from that great pillar of number one-ness. Not that I want to see that day come.

There are some minor rules and other reason a person may make your list. I'll allow Ross Gellar to illustrate why indeed Isabella Rossalini was omitted in his final 5.



Which brings me to some of the rules I've always had. #1. You can't pick a person you may actually run into. For example, when i worked in Radio, there was always a likelihood that some up and coming, or really famous person was to stop by the studio to promote something. So with that being said, I had to eliminate all music people from my list.

Rule #2. They should be living. I think this is self explanatory.

Rule #3. You must disclose the list with your significa

Would you believe me if I were to tell you at the ripe ole age of seven, I was watching movies from Francis Ford Coppola?

You'd call bullshit right?

That my friend would be where you are wrong.

You see, many moons ago while I was just a young lad, I often took trips to California to visit my grandparents in San Diego. During most of these trips my grandparents would make sure that my brothers and I had a great time and filled our summer with amazing memories.

We'd often hit up the San Diego Wild Animal Park. Or the San Diego Zoo. One time we were even treated with the opportunity to visit Miramar Marine Base. (It used to be Miramar Naval Base, and the reason that's cool, and the reason you should care, is because that's where they filmed Top Gun. Remember the scene where Charlie is dissecting Mavericks flying, and he gets all pissed? Remember that darkened room? Yeah? I was in there. I sat there where Maverick, Goose, Iceman, and Sundown all sat. Aside from my job at the radio station, this is the only time I really namedrop anyone. However, I have since stopped, cause Tom Cruise is a crazy bastard.)

In addition to all those cool activities, my grandparents made sure that we attended Disneyland at least one day while we were on vacation there. Many of my now existing fears and loves are because of these trips to Disneyland.

My love of pirates? Pirates of the Caribbean.

Fear of the Ocean? Captain Nemo's Submarine ride.

Hatred of the Outdoors and Cold? Matterhorn.

Back in 1986 one of my new loves was just forming. See, music television had just hit the airwaves, and there was one such a gentleman that was ruling them. His name was Michael Jackson. He was great. Billie Jean was the coolest video. Mainly because he had a tiger in it. I had no fucking clue what was going on, but dammit tigers were awesome. I can remember back then that I often attempted to copy the King of Pop. I had a red jacket that I thought rivaled that of MJ. However, mine was a Memb

So I broke down a couple weeks back. Turns out a friend of mine in radio made the final push and I cracked. I signed up for twitter. That's right. I signed up to let everyone know what I was doing every second of the day. (Or every second I had a device capable of accessing the internet.)

I held off for as long as possible seeing as how I thought no one cared what I did minute after minute. I mean, in any given day whilst being unemployed I could give you the rundown of what I do right here.

11:45am wake up
11:46am go to the bathroom
11:47am fire up the computer.
11:49am Hopefully check emails about jobs I've applied for. Only to receive Facebook emails about What Disney Princess would my ex girlfriend be.
11:52am Go eat breakfast, turn on Sportscenter
12:00 back to the computer making my daily rounds. Facebook.com Perezhilton.com Barstool Sports.com and Yahoo.com
1:00pm (hopefully there was some decent stuff to read killing an apparent hour to my day.) Think about taking a shower.
1:01pm not taking a shower.
1:02pm start the online search for jobs.
2:00pm Get distracted by email from friend with a dog running into a wall, or a splendidly crafted A-Rod joke.
2:30pm Fire up the ole' World of Warcraft.
4:00pm contemplate lunch. Eat Peanut M&M's instead.
4:05pm now with Baseball season starting, fireup ESPN.com Gamecast of the Red Sox game. (put on in background)
4:10pm Online job search again.
5:00pm ask mom what's for dinner.
5:10pm Contemplate another shower.
5:11pm Don't take said shower.
5:30pm Start refreshing the Facebook and other social media sites, cause my friends are all off work.
7:00pm Watch Jeopardy.
7:31pm Hit my brother, bother one of the cats, generally annoy and bother those around me.
7:32pm PS3/Wii time
8:00pm start watching shows on TV, or turn on Hulu.com and catch up on shows I've missed.
9:00pm Realize that TV these days sucks. Head back to the internet for some fun.
10:00pm Most of my friends have started to doze off, refreshi

I suppose as of late I've been writing of the happenings of the world around me, and not much of my life. Reason being I suppose is that things are not going as well as I'd have hoped.

I'll sum it up, because the details are boring, and down right sad.
Finding work, has become very trying. I'm now almost completely broke and getting close to selling my beautiful baby, my car.

However, in the last couple days I've actually had some fun even with my "No Fun Embargo of 09." (While the No Fun Embargo of 09, basically consists of my trying to to spend any money, I thought I would come up with a trendy name like the newscasters do with, well, everything.)

So in my NFE 09' I have literally tried to do as little as possible for saving money purposes. No going to friends houses, no movies, canceling Netflix, the gym (this is important) and generally honing my World of Warcraft skills to great heights.

My family, with whom I live with in either noticed my NFE 09' for my dad mentioned some friends of his get together each Saturday morning for a pickup game of soccer. Now, in my lifetime I have known a couple of things.
#1. Playing soccer since I was 4.
#2 The Red Sox since I was 8.

This 2 things are a constant, and pretty vital part of my life. Soccer makes me happy. Playing or coaching. With me in the funk, I quickly jumped on the chance of getting together for some weekend Shenanigans. (Shenanigans is capitalized because it is St. Patrick's Day Weekend.)

Upon arriving, I quickly realized that I was indeed one of the youngest people out there for some soccer. It was apparent much later in the game, that though I was the youngest, I was probably the most out of shape. 2 straight hours of soccer after weeks of an Embargo can almost kill a guy. Especially me.

I love to think I can draw the line between having fun and being competitive, but I can't. Not with soccer. I have to win. I have to play hard. It's just in me. There are a couple of things I do really well

First, I wanted to let the millions three readers that I have know, that I updated my "about me" section so that the next time I go off and judge 25 women based solely on their looks, you can now email me and call me an asshat.

And based on my wit, the return email will probably go something like this....

To: SarcasmFan
From: DoubleDown
Subject: RE: Judging women

Dear Fan,
YOU'RE an asshat.

Thank you for reading.

 

 

With that out of the way, I figured I'd update my friends with how I spent my Valentines. As per usual, I really hate Valentines Day as a whole. I really think that it's pretty much shallow and commercial. And believe me, I'm not one of those people who hates commercialism. I'm totally cool with it. In fact I embrace it for all it's worth. Christmas being commercialized.. Awesome! Just as long as I'm getting in on some of the action.

This however is not the case on Valentines Day. For I am not getting in on ANY action. Therefore, Valentines Day sucks.

I've been fighting off a cold the last couple of days, so at night I've been taking night time cold medicine which pretty much knocks me out till noon the next day. In addition to that, I'm also insanely groggy because of it. Therefore I hadn't really realized that our doorbell had rang 10 minutes after I had gotten up.

However, after the drug induced haze had left me, I quickly remembered that the doorbell had indeed rung 20 minutes ago, and I hadn't heard the door close. (We have a large door to our house, and no matter where you are in the house you can hear it close.) So I left my perch up stairs and came unto our landing to see my little sister holding the door open, and a BOY standing outside on our doorstep.

sidebar: For those of you who don't know, I'm VERY protective of my little sister. I, being a boy at one point, know exactly what boys have on their mind. In addition I also coach High School soccer at the same school she attends. Which allows me to know exactly what the boys are ta

Sometimes when I'm walking down the street in this wonderful city I'm in, and I happen to be hanging out with someone who I feel has the same type of humor and or judging abilities, I like to play a little game.

The game is of course... "Who Could Do Better?"

Basically it's pretty self explanatory. You, being the judgmental party that you are, notice other couples walking around you. When you notice a couple that doesn't quite fit, you say out loud.... "who could do better?" And then the judging commences.

Often times, it's the woman that could usually do better. As is the case of.....

DeAnna Pappas and the dude she picked. They were so odd in fact, I don't even remember the dudes name. All I do know is she was WAY too hot to be with that dude. I didn't watch the Bachelorette this year, or in previous years, but I did notice how smokin hot DeAnna was. So with that being said, here is an open letter for me and DeAnna to hook up.

Dear DeAnna.

You're hot. I was thinking you could be my sugar momma in this relationship. I was trying to think about what I could actually bring to the relationship, and couldn't really come up with anything. Aside from having a "real" job. I'm no snowboarder/skier or whatever that hippie did. I also live with my parents, which if you think about, could be beneficial to us saving all of your money. Lastly, I can cook a mean dish of Macaroni and Cheese. And on special occasions, best believe I'm breaking out the Spirals for you! I also was a volunteer for Special Olympics. Annnnnd I like dogs.

Sincerely,

me.

Well. There goes nothing. It's now out in the world wide web. Hopefully she'll come across this letter and realize we've been meant for each other. I mean, how could she not. I think that letter was full of inspiring things that we have in common. I have a lot to offer I believe.

Anyway, for those of you who are saying... you're getting waaaaay ahead of yourself... here is the video of what's his name. Being sad. Or some

I have just gotten home from one of the worst trips in my life. It was long, cold, snowy, and stressful. However I made it in one piece and my brother got married off. So there are two positives.

Another positive, is finding out that the train station is a hot bed for hot women. You see, my family picked up more family at the wedding, there was no longer any more room for me and one of my brothers to ride back home. So, my mother purchased train tickets for us to ride home, sooner than the fam and hopefully in time for me to make it home and to work. Well, none of the plans worked, and I'm not sure how much I want to get into it. I'm probably going to save it for another blog. Possibly.

So that is why I was at the train station. Upon arriving, and after handing 26 cents to the hobo outside, I felt as if good karma would be granted upon my traveling soul. Well as I mentioned before it wasn't. But I guess the traveling gods did reward me in populating the train station with beautiful women. After being shuffled around from line to line, I was given the opportunity to have a stunning blonde stand right behind my brother and I. After waiting in line for what seemed to be an hour or so, we got to talking.

Turns out, she, like me, was a train virgin and we were confused as to how boarding procedures were to take place. We chatted back and forth and come to find out, had she lived closer we would be happily married. She's almost a lawyer (half way through law school) works for giant law firm, potentially setting herself up to be a sugar momma, blonde, allegedly loves The Warehouse, fell down on her way to a liquor store in the ice, and quoted movies. Plus, she put up with my constant berating of her attending Washington State University, which in my book is not only warranted, but you should actually see it coming.

We chatted up until it was time to board where we were both separated like cattle to their impending doom. Had I actually had some sort of game whatso

It's October 31st folks, and where I come from that makes this Slut Appreciation Weekend, in more common terms, Halloween. 

It's the only time of the year where any girl can dress like a complete whore and it's is totally socially acceptable. Not only is it acceptable, it's encouraged. I for one love this idea. I for one am all in favor of this idea. In fact, I wouldn't mind if this happened maybe once or twice more a year.  I mean what actually happens in the month of May? Nothing. 

August? Even More nothing. 

So number one, I propose S.A.W be held at least twice more during the year. 

And number two, I propose Halloween ACTUALLY be renamed as Slut Appreciation Weekend. I feel as if this will clear up a number of issues of Halloween. 

Lastly, I would like to take a moment to honor someone who paved the way for S.A.W. to become what it has today. A true visionary, a pioneer of S.A.W. Someone who shaped the future and gave hope to women of the future... Ladies and Gentelman... I give you ... 

Kelly Taylor!



 

Kelly set a precedent for all future Halloweens. Guys, I do believe we owe Kelly Taylor a huge debt of gratitude. For she has shaped a future like this..... 



This is a future, I want to be a part of. 

 

Thank you Kelly Taylor... Thank you. 

Happy S.A.W. Everyone.

Until Next time...
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

So today was my first day at my "new" job. The reason I say "new" is because it really isn't new. I've done this job before in the same exact warehouse, with mostly the same exact people.

It's amazing to me that this place pays so well, that many people never ever have any aspiration to leave. They just move on up. Which for me I suppose is a great thing. You see, for 5-6 years ago when I was employed full time there were a couple of middle aged women who were putting in their time. These same middle ages women liked the fact that I was young, impressionable, and "cute."

Flash forward a couple of years, and those same middle aged woman are still there, except I'm "grown up," and I believe the term handsome was used, which as we all know, is a term I feel should only be reserved for grandmas to use. Anyway, that's besides the point. The point of this is, because I've known these ladies for years, and because they are now in charge, I was able to land myself a bit of a bonus on my first day.

I was told, on my first day, to jump on register 15. Which is cool, because I get paid more than the base pay and I hate "boxing" things up for people. So off I went to register 15 to start cashiering, something I haven't done in roughly 5-6 years.

Nothing upsets the heard more than someone "new guy" coming into people spots and jacking one of the cashier spots that was open for the holiday season. One of the supervisors came in to talk to me on my lunch

Sup: "dude, some people are pissed off already that you're cashiering.
Me: "oh I'm sorry. (I wasn't.)
Sup: "it's cool, I mean I put you on there."
Me: Well I thank you for that.
Sup: "I just told people you've worked here before and knew what you were doing."
Me: "oh cool, that's good. I mean, I do. Ya know... know what I'm doing."

Seriously people, it's like riding a bike. I mean, I'm not going to lie, there were definitely some things that I didn't remember but I don't think I shortchanged the register, and no one go

For my close friends, they will all tell you that Politics are the last thing on my mind in starting up a conversation. In fact, if some girl has "has to be politically active" on their list of things they need in a man... go right ahead and scratch me off that possible list.

I've got my views. I've got my opinions. I've got my pre-conceived notions. I've got my facts. I've got my lies. And they're all mine. You can't tell me I'm right, or I'm wrong cause they're mine. That would be why I shall not share them with you, and we will get along splendidly. (By the way, cool word splendidly. Seriously, type it out. Splendidly. You'd think I was high right now.... Rooooo-Ads!)

Anyway, while all my own political views are mine, and yours are yours, I still think, regardless of who you are and who you want to win, you HAVE to vote!

With that being said... please watch this video.


There it is folks... register to vote. Do it. Do it Now!
DeclareYourSelf.com
ChooseorLoose.com

Because like I've said many times...

If you don't vote, you have no right to complain.






And remember to Vote Obi Wan Kenobi.... He's our only hope....

ps. Shout to JDub, and Mego who have both posted this video, and to some of my MySpace friends who have done the same. Make sure it spreads.

For people close to me, they've gotten the impression that I pretty much hate my life right now.

The fact of the matter is... I really do.

THe job hunt is still on, the high school soccer team I coach is underperforming, College football as of this week is all out of whack, and my unemployment ran out this week.

So I'm pretty much shooting 0-4 in the grand scheme of life. But today is the like the perfect storm of hatred for me. I'm still pissed that the OSU Beavers beat USC last night. I'm still pissed that my HS team played like crap last night, and I"m even more pissed that I have to go to an interview for a job I don't really want.

The job was with a big corporate Gym and I was applying for Membership Counselor. My fisrt interview was yesterday and apparently the nice cute young lady liked me enough to recommend me to her boss.

My interview was at 10:30 am. Which I am totally fine with. I get all dolled up and roll into the place knowing that this is a job I can do, but for the most part, have no desire to do commission based sales. So me and the GM are talking interviewing and I think things are going pretty well. He tells me about leads and such and that you have to generate 15 a day. Here is where things start going down hill.

You see, I hate people. That's not a statement to be funny. I hate people. I'm not the type of person that we meet and instantaneously were best friends. It just doesn't happen. I totally judge people. Its a flaw I suppose. I'm not outgoing. I've got great friends, and family in this world, I don't need new ones. You may think were friends, but deep down I have a huge resentment for you and don't even like you.

So the GM and I are talking and toward the end of the interview, he says to me...

GM: "So what I'm going to have you do is grab a clip board, and go out on the floor and see if you can generate 5 new leads from the people working out."
Me: "Sounds great!"

At that second it was pretty much over. Done. I don't want

Man if this wasn't a kick in the ass.....

So I'm minding my own business wasting away my life on the internet like most unemployed people do. When I figured it was time to visit the ole iTunes to see what I've been missing out on in life.

Come to find out, not much really.

However, I do like to peruse the Celebrity Playlists every so often to see who I'm compatible with. For the most part I'm not compatible with anyone. It's funny to me to see all these tv/movie stars select music that no one's heard of, and just pick it to be like "oooh look at me, I'm so original, I'm earth friendly too, so here is a reflection of my musical tastes that you've never heard of."

That's how I know actor/actresses are full of shit. I know you're were al listening to the Backstreet Boys back then. I know you're probably in love with the Katie Perry song I Kissed a Girl now. Admit it. No one thinks less of you. Join the masses, I mean shit, we buy your movies, tv shows, etc etc, throw us a bone.

Come to think of it, I was compatible with one "celebrity." Maria Sharapova. Ooooh how we could have spent many a nights staying up late, talking Russian, taking pictures with your Canon Powershot, trying on our new clothes from the Nike employee store, all the while listening to our shared perfect playlist. *sigh*

Alas, more than likely none of that was going to come to fruition.

However, I got an an unexpected compatibility score when I came across none other than Danny Tanner's Celebrity Playlist. I'm not going to lie, 90% of this list is awesome. I love/like a great deal most of the songs on this playlist.

That doesn't mean that me and Bob Saget are going to be hanging out anytime soon. That is unless I get to come over while he visits his next door neighbors. (That my friends was a reference to Entourage. Make sure to check out that episode cause that one was hilarious. And the neighbors were hot.)

Here is Bob Saget's playlist. (With my comments added.)

Creep Radiohead
I'

"In history of Rock 301 we learn about the history of rock music."
"And the we ROCKED OUR FACES OFF!"
-Muarice, Accepted


Yes its true. I started out this blog with a quote from Accepted. If you haven't seen it, it's not a bad movie to rent. That quote is one of my favorites from the entire movie. Surprisingly it is also what I did most of saturday afternoon.

You see, I was just chilling at home with my lil brother and we were obviously both bored. We have a stockpile of old Playstation 2 games, along with some scattered Xbox games. For Christmas last year we were able to procure a Playstation 3 and so some of our older games are just plain sucky.

With that in mind we gathered up all of our un-played games, and I even threw in my Xbox to take to Game Stop to trade them in for some new games. Our ultimate goal was to get NCAA 09 so that I could play my friend Haggy online and never have to leave the comforts of my AC at home. I could also see epic battles of Ducks and Beavers for months before the real thing actually took place.

Our gaming geek who runs his shop like well oiled machine finally was able to tally up all our trade ins. Coming to a grand total 170 dollars. With that the wheels in my head began to spin. And my little kid inside me (who's not nearly as repressed as the fat kid.) looked around the store for something... ANYTHING worth 170 bucks.

Sidebar. When I get bored I have a tendency to solve my boredom in perhaps a little unorthodox way. Retail Therapy. That's right. I like to buy things. It makes me feel better. Now, I don't go all woman and shop for clothes or shoes I tend to buy electronics, video games, and movies. Although I'm not going to lie, a nice pair of shoes can solve a lot of problems. (which also reminds me, that last statement doesn't make me gay, it makes me look gay.)

So after glancing around the store, I found it. I knew it had to be mine.

Me: "Hey dude, how much is Rock Band?"
Gaming Geek: "it's $170."
Me: (with eyes

I've been slacking on my posting as of late. I happened to have been in Las Vegas for the last couple of days, so my writing took a gigantic back seat to drinking and attempting to pick up hookers.

And by pick up I mean shouting out the dollar amount I was willing to pay for their services.

"Dollar seventy five!!!!"

Once I shouted two fifty to which one of my lady friends in attendance shook her head awkwardly and disgusted said,

"you'd give that girl two hundred and fifty dollars to have sex with her?"

to which I replied....

"Fuck no, I meant two dollars and fifty cents! I may be desperate to have sex, but that doesn't mean I"m not looking for a bargain!"

Anyway, if you were in Vegas and got shouted at by some dude with a dollar amount, be happy if you cracked $4.99. Only the select few did.

Which brings me to my point about neglecting my writing. While I was in The Vegas for only a short time, it was damn near a coma inducing trip. Late nights, tons of booze and the aforementioned hookers. Oh, and I did have some of the best friends in the world accompanying me along the way.

After returning home at 10 am, I was only awake for roughly 3 hours. I awoke in time to catch most of the oscars. If you've read my previous posts, I love movies. And I love watching which movies get rewarded for being great. Even when I disagree.

I totally think Ellen Page should have won. I mean come on.... She's cute, smart, witty, sarcastic, rich, "indie," and my current crush. So I'll totally kick your ass if you don't agree!!!!

None of the aforementioned reasons have anything to do with the fact that she was really good in that Juno movie. Oh, and Tilda Swinton scares me.

Speaking of boyfriends kicking ass did any of you catch this little gem??

Thats right, Busey wanted to get a little Alias action! And did Jennifer Garner actually ask for Ben Affleck?? Like WTF was Ben Affleck going to do?

Seriously?

Kick Busey's ass? No effing way in hell does Affleck have a ch

I can't say I'm surprised really.

Everyone knows women are the weaker sex, and shouldn't be anywhere teaching young boys things.

I mean, who's crazy idea was it to let women enter the workforce in the first place?? Not mine. Who wants an employee that is emotional for 5 days out of the month EVERY month. Or who wants an employee with a smaller brain. Or who wants an employee that makes rash emotional decisions? Who wants an employee who can't operate the company car?
Not Me!

So I applaud you St. Mary's! You took a step in the right direction! Way to take a stand in regards to the inferior gender!

Next thing you know women will be getting the right to vote.

sidebar: In closing. I find it hilarious that St. Mary's believes that women should have no authority over men. Obviously not one of their leaders is married.