STRAIGHT INTO THE TOILETCongressional candidate Linda Ketner may be at the Democratic National Convention in Denver hitting up all the LGBT receptions, but back in South Carolina, her daddy’s money already has her on television. Today, she launched not one, but two new ads.Granted, it’s a bit early to go on television — with 69 days left before Ketner hopes to score a nearly-impossible upset over fourth term Congressman Henry Brown. But when your best qualification for running for Congress is that your daddy owns Food Lion and you are very rich, there’s a whole lot of ground to make up.The first spot features Ketner and her father Ralph telling us that they have a lot of money, that she’s proud to have been born in another state, and that she’s very forgetful. And since Ketner is running in a solidly Republican district, she makes sure to throw a few references to God in there.Ad numero dos lays out Ketner’s economic qualifications. I’m not sure what they are, exactly, but did I mention her dad owns Food Lion? That’s a prerequisite for Congress, right?Regardless, qualifications are meaningless. What’s important is what Ketner will do for the Lowcountry in Congress. Thankfully, her Website fully answers that question:What Linda Will Do“I have an arcade of Live Oaks on some land I own in the country and to me those oaks are living art. Their roots have been in that soil for 250 years, their newest shoots came out last spring; roots of tradition, shoots of growth, both in balance. It seems to me, that health for an individual, or a community, or a nation is found in achieving that delicate balance between continuity and change.”Umm… what? Does that mean she’s going to plant trees around the Capitol? Perhaps create a universal health care system out of a fig branch (both Biblical and practical)?I definitely can’t wait for that ad. It will star a singing squirrel who can paint people’s dreams, ...